I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize