We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize