We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
