Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Fuck appropriateness.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
