This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
