Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I still have a little drunk in my system
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize