Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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