You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
where are you?
Hypothermia
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
