just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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