grandma shit on top of the toilet
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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