Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
