This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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