life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
it's like heaven, but drunker
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
