We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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