Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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