glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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