i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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