i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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