Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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