why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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