My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
