I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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