I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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