How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
