hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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