Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
