3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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