he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
