thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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