I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
