My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize