I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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