Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
