just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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