Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
