Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Boobs speak an international language.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
