Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
