Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize