I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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