why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
