Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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