you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
