You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
