he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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