I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I would ride that face into the sunset
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
