Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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