just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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