doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
