i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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