How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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