you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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