Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
