I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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