so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
