I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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