i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
