I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
