I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
