I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize