I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
