I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
