fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
