Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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