Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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