I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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