Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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