I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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