I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize