those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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