Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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