We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize