planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
