Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
