I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
