if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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