real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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