Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
