I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Every concussion has its silver lining
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
