Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
