I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
