I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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